She Only Sleeps When It’s Raining

I like the rain here. It rains quite a bit, but somehow I always mange to make it to class or my dorm or the dining hall just in time. AND my rain boots are finally getting used. The more it rains, the happier I am. I’ve always liked rain more than sun. Maybe it stems from my job at the pool. When it rained we got to sit in the office and get paid for nothing. Whatever the reason, this is definitely my favorite season.

Right Now

I’m supposed to be writing an essay. It’s well on it’s way, but I’ve slowed down and can’t get back on track.

College is not what I thought it would be. I don’t like Murray State the way I thought I would. Honestly the only thing I want to do right now is move back home and go to Meramec. I’m tried of the south. I broke this news to my dad, who told me transfers are very common and I shouldn’t feel ashamed. But I just can’t help feeling like if I had put in more effort last year, I would be so much more happy this year. I’ve already begun the college search all over again, this time I’m looking west- NOT south. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some nice people here, but I just don’t like the campus, the work isn’t challenging and they just do not offer everything I need. I need mountains, fresh air, culture. I do not need chewing tobacco, cowboys and racism. I’m going to last out the year, I told my parents I could do that, but I’m going to be VERY proactive about my college search- much more than last time.

Ugh, I can’t believe I’m doing this all over again. Pray I make the right choice this time.

Relap

Also, that post about me quitting? Bullshit.

So Far, So…

College. When someone hears that word they immediately think of a four-year paid vacation. I guess they overlook the awkward beginning. When you know five people and have nothing to do but go to class one hour a day. It’s just frustrating, I want it to be two months from now. I want to have a base of fiends. I want it to be like that song “I Love College.” I mean what was I thinking? It’s not like the second you step on campus a frat boy hands you a red cup and says “drink up, baby.” I honestly just want to go home, because that would be easier. But I’d be useless and lazy. I just need to give it time. I know this.

It’s just so hard being the only person here without an accent.

Smoking Notice

I quit, I really did. I NEED A SUCKER.

Green

The theme of my dorm room is “green.” Well, green and tie dye of course. I didn’t mean for it to happen but as I was picking out a laundry basket, a charging station, hangers, plastic storage, and other stuff it all turned out to be green. And it was all the same color green, a soft grass, olive color. After a quick online search I have found that “green symbolizes life, nature, fertility and well being. Grass green is the most restful color. Green symbolizes self-respect and well being. Green is the color of balance. It also means learning, growth and harmony. Green is a safe color.”

I have no idea why, but I wonder if a part of me is trying to calm the other part of me down by picking out a calming color. I’m going to admit it. I am TERRIFIED of going to college. I have spent several nights crying at the thought of leaving everything I know, especially Grace.

I’ve tried to visualize what my visits home will be like. I’ll run into the house yelling at her and we’ll run to each other squealing. Then we’ll hug and talk about everything even though we already talked about it on the phone. Then I’ll get on facebook and I’ll show her all of the new people in my life. And I’m sure Elly will be there too. And at this point (not in my imagination) I’m crying all over my pillow hating how I chose a college four hours away.

Side note: it is probably the worst thing in the world to get sick away from home, your own bed and your mommy. I’m going to have Kelly drive down EVERYTIME I feel a cough coming on.

And I still haven’t learned who my roommate is! Gaaaah

Marginally

I leave in three days to go on a mission trip to Michigan. I’ll take part in building a house for a poor, deserving family. I’m looking forward to helping another family in need, but lately I’ve really been questioning my dedication to the church. I used to love attending service and singing and taking communion, but now it seems silly to me. And I can’t say why. Ah, I hope all goes well. I hope I can deal with the silly junior and sophomore girls that are in my youth group seemingly just to make fun of everything. Cool, cool for them. Give me your address if you want me to send you a postcard!!

Up In Smoke

My parents know I smoke now. They want to take me to Smoke Enders, which is like AA for smokers. They also want me on the patch and chewing the gum. This is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Wow, that’s pretty sad.

Yes.

Last Day of School: May 15th
Prom: May 16th
My Birthday: May 17th

The Waiting is the hardest part…

Time and time again, I find that it is only Tom Petty who can sum up exactly what I am feeling in a 4 minute 18 second long song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLCJEYLIBQY). I’ve been asked to prom, I’ve said yes, we’ve shared our first kiss…. now what? I find myself stuck in that “in between” place. I can’t call him everyday because we’re nowhere near official. I don’t want to back off too much though, he might lose interest. But I suppose this is an essential part of every relationship, there has to be a beginning. I just need to remind myself to take it slow, even though college is running toward me full force.

And I swear to God, if one more person says I have Jungle Fever I’m gonna bust a cap…. don’t test me, I won’t back down (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P93cI_u1mng).