How to Break Up With Your Girlfriend: The Do’s and Don’ts

It started out wonderful. She was so adorable, got along great with your friends and loved to see bad comic book based movies with you. But, slowly, you’ve noticed changes over time. She’s started making you see movies like “27 Dresses” and “Twilight”. She doesn’t try to look good anymore, it’s all sweatpants and uncombed hair. She starts getting along a little too well with your friends. You know what comes next, so don’t try and put it off…. The Break-Up.

Now, there are several ways to handle this and it could go very well (as well as a Break-Up can go) or very poorly (I’m mean bad, buddy). It’s up to you if it ends in a slap, a tearful breakdown or a shrug.

GROUND KNOWLEDGE: Phrasing

Obviously, there are a few phrases that you should shy away from. I know what you’re thinking “I’d never say that!” but trust me, when the time comes, you’ll be scrambling to appease her, to stop the tears from rolling.

“We can still be friends” – Makes me want to throw up in a litter box. Even if it is the honest to goodness truth, you really want to be friends, saying this will make it only harder.

“You’re too good for me”/”I’m not good enough for you” – Trying to make it seem like the Break-Up was her idea is a dumb idea. So, if you’re not good enough for her, who is? She’s an idiot for wasting all this time on you? Ouch.

“It’s not you, it’s me” – What the heck does that even mean? It sounds like you’re reading from a card and you’re more cardboard than a knock off brand of Frosted Flakes.

“Let’s take a break” – A relationship is not a job. You don’t get lunch breaks. Anyway, don’t kid yourself. You don’t really want to come back, you’re just trying to move the process along!

THE BIG DAY: Location

Phone – If the relationship is under four months, this is an acceptable way to go. That is, as long as the other person gets to speak their part. No voice mails!

Text – Break up with your girlfriend and be branded an asshole at the same time! NEVER ACCEPTABLE.

Facebook – From personal experience, this is worse than crying in front of an audience. Even if you message her, so no one else can see, this is even lower and more impersonal than text messaging her a broken heart.

In Person – This is always hard. Do you pick her up? Do you meet her somewhere? Do you go to her house? Does she come to yours? My suggestion is you take her somewhere public, but not as public as a coffee shop. Try a park with enough cover to have some privacy. This way if she wants to leave, she can and vice versa for you. I’d say in person is always the best way to do it. It gives her a chance to speak her part and you to speak yours with all the emotion right in front of you. Tie up the ends before they become loose.

CURTAINS CLOSING: The Reverb

Friends: If you are friends with he same people, make sure you talk to them about what happened. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT disparage her or put her down. If you are civil about it your friends are likely to stay friends with both you and her and not take sides.

Hate Mail: Whether it be facebook, text or written on the front of your house in shaving cream, some girls will find a way to retaliate. Don’t stoop to her level by replying because: that’s exactly what she wants. By dumping her you broke the connection between you and her and she will try and reopen it at all costs. Some spread rumors, some do minor physical damage but it shouldn’t bother you unless there is costly damage or you are in danger of being seriously hurt. Then you just call the effing police.

Pregnancy: Hahaha, you’re fucked.