I’ve been heart broken in the past, but I always thought I’d get over it. And just as I’m starting this post I can already feel it’s going to be very annoying. I’m not going to finish it.

Riding the elevator up to my dorm room after unsuccessfully trying to finish my 2000 word essay, I felt dejected. I have been working on this paper for days, but I still feel like it’s in the beginning stages. Keying into my room I noticed a balloon taped to my door. I brought the little green thing in with me and set it on my bed. As I did so I noticed something tiny rolling around inside. I popped it open at once and found a tiny rolled up paper. The little paper reads as follows: “I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy- I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.”

Dang. Just when I was all prepared to throw in the towel and give up, pity myself and be a weenie, I get this. A little quote by someone who I’ll never meet from someone I won’t remember in a year. I’m sure my RA just picked random quotes of an inspirational quote page, but somehow I feel like mine is right on the money. This semester has been a test of will. I cannot believe I have made it this far, and I don’t feel like I’m giving up, I feel as if I’m making a change for the better. I’m not looking for easy- I’m looking for worth it.

In other news, I’m attempting to quit smoking again. This time less dramatic throwing away of the pack and more of actually trying. I’ve already weened myself down to one or two a day, which is a huge change from the beginning of the year. Let’s just hope I can keep this going, even when I’m home and Emma and I take our Sunday night drive :]

I guess I’ll start at the beginning. I decided to switch roomates about two weeks into school, not because my old roommate was mean or anything, I just want to switch to a better dorm. Megan didn’t have a roommate so we got paired together and I moved in. It was all fine and dandy at the start, she was funny and nice. We got along. Suddenly though, I began to realize that college wasn’t about getting drunk every night. So when I made the switch from partier to studier that’s when things got complicated. She would wake me up each night around one o’ clock. Every night is not an exaggeration. She was messy, I cleaned, took out the trash, put her shit away, made her bed. I did everything. She’d wake me up when to print stuff off my printer for her. One weekend when I had friends coming to visit, she told me she was going home. At the last second she changed her mind WHICH WAS FINE, except for the fact that she had four people who I did not know stay in my room, forcing my little sister and I to sleep in Jen’s room. I did not complain to her once. Then one night I came in the room and was greeted by ten people having a “study party” (bullshit). Megan informed me she would not be going to sleep and they were staying int here. I had to sleep elsewhere. Many times she screamed at me for no reason. I cried more than I ever have in m life. I can honestly say these past couple months have been the worst in my life. It is a sad thing to realize I might have had a totally different (BETTER) college experience with a different roommate. At this point in my own, private room, with only a short time until I get to go home for good, I’m trying to think of it as a learning experience. But it’s sort of hard to find just exactly what I learned from getting called a “nasty ass hoe.” She said she will hate me for the rest of her life, and if that is true, I feel sorry for her. She also said she never wants to leave Fulton which is 30 minutes from Murray. Murray is the farthest she’s been from home in her life. She is going to live a very sad life.

Now that I’m in my own room I have become a sort of recluse. I like being on my own, but it’s weird since I have never had my own room in my life. I want to party and have fun, but I never have the energy anymore. I’m just working on making it to December.

Jillali is a 23 year old Moroccan boy who, after knowing me A WEEK, wants to have a relationship. I don’t know how they do it in Morocco, but that shit ain’t right. He is so in love with me it is actually scary. I’m willing to hang out with him, but good gosh darn. I get no excitement or butterflies from him whatsoever but I’m not really worried about it getting too intense as I’ll be leaving him in the dust in about three weeks.

I’ve been putting alot of energy into my plan for next year. I’m making sure I research every option, so I know what I can do. I’ve got a ton of colleges to look into but I’m also considering a gap year in which I would volunteer abroad. So many choices!

I’m really considering becoming a nun. You think I’m joking?

9/2/09 1 a.m. – The cool air settles around me, uninterrupted by my movement. I sit with my knees curled up to my chest, arm linked through. The end of my cigarette glows and the smoke is blown in curls upward as it passes my lips. I sip a Diet Pepsi, not my favorite but the machines were out of anything better. The dumpsters stare me in the face and the orange lights cast an eerie fog over the parking lot. A smoking couple sits near me as I stare at my bare feet and wriggle my toes for warmth. The concrete serves as my sitting place, the cold ground sending icy waves up through my body. I wonder who to call, who would be up at this hour. I decide on no one and let my mind wander. Striking up a second, I get the yellow lighter going on the first try. Steadily I smoke until the haze is all around me, my head spinning. I think of my 8:30 class in the morning. Finished, I pick up my belongings and walk the flights of stairs to my room. Balancing my bottle, I twist the key, a click, and then I shut the door behind me. Room, just as I left it.

11/17/09 7:53 p.m. – In my new room, I am alone. No one bothers me, and no one bothers to check on me. My hair slightly damp from a recent shower, I press my bare feet on the wood of the desk. I know full well that in 24 days I will be living at home once again. This first semester of college has left a bad taste in my mouth as I have been exposed to the most selfish, unkind people of my entire life. I feel hurt and betrayed, but not lost. I have prepared myself for coming home a semester early and I don’t feel as if I need to explain myself to anyone, it is my journey. No one is benefiting from me being here, and I hunger to help someone. I recently heard about a boy from my high school moving to Nepal to volunteer abroad. When I heard that, the greedy desire rose up in my gut to fly to some foreign country and do good. My intentions are completely for bettering myself, which sounds incredibly selfish, but the way I intend to better myself is by volunteer work. That can’t be bad, can it? At least that’s what I’ll choose to believe. When I return to my family in December, I’ll simply have to work on clearing my mind. I do not fear anything that awaits me, I simply wonder what it is that awaits me.

I like the rain here. It rains quite a bit, but somehow I always mange to make it to class or my dorm or the dining hall just in time. AND my rain boots are finally getting used. The more it rains, the happier I am. I’ve always liked rain more than sun. Maybe it stems from my job at the pool. When it rained we got to sit in the office and get paid for nothing. Whatever the reason, this is definitely my favorite season.

I’m supposed to be writing an essay. It’s well on it’s way, but I’ve slowed down and can’t get back on track.

College is not what I thought it would be. I don’t like Murray State the way I thought I would. Honestly the only thing I want to do right now is move back home and go to Meramec. I’m tried of the south. I broke this news to my dad, who told me transfers are very common and I shouldn’t feel ashamed. But I just can’t help feeling like if I had put in more effort last year, I would be so much more happy this year. I’ve already begun the college search all over again, this time I’m looking west- NOT south. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some nice people here, but I just don’t like the campus, the work isn’t challenging and they just do not offer everything I need. I need mountains, fresh air, culture. I do not need chewing tobacco, cowboys and racism. I’m going to last out the year, I told my parents I could do that, but I’m going to be VERY proactive about my college search- much more than last time.

Ugh, I can’t believe I’m doing this all over again. Pray I make the right choice this time.

Also, that post about me quitting? Bullshit.

College. When someone hears that word they immediately think of a four-year paid vacation. I guess they overlook the awkward beginning. When you know five people and have nothing to do but go to class one hour a day. It’s just frustrating, I want it to be two months from now. I want to have a base of fiends. I want it to be like that song “I Love College.” I mean what was I thinking? It’s not like the second you step on campus a frat boy hands you a red cup and says “drink up, baby.” I honestly just want to go home, because that would be easier. But I’d be useless and lazy. I just need to give it time. I know this.

It’s just so hard being the only person here without an accent.

I quit, I really did. I NEED A SUCKER.

The theme of my dorm room is “green.” Well, green and tie dye of course. I didn’t mean for it to happen but as I was picking out a laundry basket, a charging station, hangers, plastic storage, and other stuff it all turned out to be green. And it was all the same color green, a soft grass, olive color. After a quick online search I have found that “green symbolizes life, nature, fertility and well being. Grass green is the most restful color. Green symbolizes self-respect and well being. Green is the color of balance. It also means learning, growth and harmony. Green is a safe color.”

I have no idea why, but I wonder if a part of me is trying to calm the other part of me down by picking out a calming color. I’m going to admit it. I am TERRIFIED of going to college. I have spent several nights crying at the thought of leaving everything I know, especially Grace.

I’ve tried to visualize what my visits home will be like. I’ll run into the house yelling at her and we’ll run to each other squealing. Then we’ll hug and talk about everything even though we already talked about it on the phone. Then I’ll get on facebook and I’ll show her all of the new people in my life. And I’m sure Elly will be there too. And at this point (not in my imagination) I’m crying all over my pillow hating how I chose a college four hours away.

Side note: it is probably the worst thing in the world to get sick away from home, your own bed and your mommy. I’m going to have Kelly drive down EVERYTIME I feel a cough coming on.

And I still haven’t learned who my roommate is! Gaaaah