How to Break Up With Your Girlfriend: The Do’s and Don’ts

It started out wonderful. She was so adorable, got along great with your friends and loved to see bad comic book based movies with you. But, slowly, you’ve noticed changes over time. She’s started making you see movies like “27 Dresses” and “Twilight”. She doesn’t try to look good anymore, it’s all sweatpants and uncombed hair. She starts getting along a little too well with your friends. You know what comes next, so don’t try and put it off…. The Break-Up.

Now, there are several ways to handle this and it could go very well (as well as a Break-Up can go) or very poorly (I’m mean bad, buddy). It’s up to you if it ends in a slap, a tearful breakdown or a shrug.

GROUND KNOWLEDGE: Phrasing

Obviously, there are a few phrases that you should shy away from. I know what you’re thinking “I’d never say that!” but trust me, when the time comes, you’ll be scrambling to appease her, to stop the tears from rolling.

“We can still be friends” – Makes me want to throw up in a litter box. Even if it is the honest to goodness truth, you really want to be friends, saying this will make it only harder.

“You’re too good for me”/”I’m not good enough for you” – Trying to make it seem like the Break-Up was her idea is a dumb idea. So, if you’re not good enough for her, who is? She’s an idiot for wasting all this time on you? Ouch.

“It’s not you, it’s me” – What the heck does that even mean? It sounds like you’re reading from a card and you’re more cardboard than a knock off brand of Frosted Flakes.

“Let’s take a break” – A relationship is not a job. You don’t get lunch breaks. Anyway, don’t kid yourself. You don’t really want to come back, you’re just trying to move the process along!

THE BIG DAY: Location

Phone – If the relationship is under four months, this is an acceptable way to go. That is, as long as the other person gets to speak their part. No voice mails!

Text – Break up with your girlfriend and be branded an asshole at the same time! NEVER ACCEPTABLE.

Facebook – From personal experience, this is worse than crying in front of an audience. Even if you message her, so no one else can see, this is even lower and more impersonal than text messaging her a broken heart.

In Person – This is always hard. Do you pick her up? Do you meet her somewhere? Do you go to her house? Does she come to yours? My suggestion is you take her somewhere public, but not as public as a coffee shop. Try a park with enough cover to have some privacy. This way if she wants to leave, she can and vice versa for you. I’d say in person is always the best way to do it. It gives her a chance to speak her part and you to speak yours with all the emotion right in front of you. Tie up the ends before they become loose.

CURTAINS CLOSING: The Reverb

Friends: If you are friends with he same people, make sure you talk to them about what happened. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT disparage her or put her down. If you are civil about it your friends are likely to stay friends with both you and her and not take sides.

Hate Mail: Whether it be facebook, text or written on the front of your house in shaving cream, some girls will find a way to retaliate. Don’t stoop to her level by replying because: that’s exactly what she wants. By dumping her you broke the connection between you and her and she will try and reopen it at all costs. Some spread rumors, some do minor physical damage but it shouldn’t bother you unless there is costly damage or you are in danger of being seriously hurt. Then you just call the effing police.

Pregnancy: Hahaha, you’re fucked.

Buddha-Style

The smell of hash browns wafts through the house as I sit by the fire contemplating Wurthering Heights and the musical prowess of Katy Perry. The large, calico cat relaxes at my feet, adding her two cents at intervals. I respond with gentle pats. My planner lays splayed open on the dining room table, telling me all I have to accomplish tonight, tomorrow, next week…

Finally, I achieve it. The long awaited delicate, meditative state of procrastination…

A supreme silence settles over me, the weight of the five-page essay is lifted off the shoulders and I am free….

Phone Tag

If you ever see me on a cordless phone, don’t stand in front of me. Just after finishing a five minute conversation I came to realize I had walked up and down my stairs four times, around the first floor twice and the top floor twice. My face is red. If you ever are in my way while I’m on the phone…. I will mow you down.

I feel like a circus act

If you know who I am, you’ll know that I am friends with several different “groups” and within those groups many different shapes and sizes of friends. This sounds lovely on the outside, who doesn’t want to have loads and loads of fabulous friends? Unfortunately for me some of these friends have a strong dislike for each other, or simply have clashing personalities that will never mesh.

So here it is:

My weekends have become me juggling and scheduling and planning my nights down to the specific hours I will be with people. I am not exaggerating; hours. I have to spend the night out most weekends simply so I can see this friend then this friend then this friend and having a curfew wouldn’t allow that… I usually don’t get to sleep until three on Fridays. It is absolutely miserable to sit and talk with one friend while they disparage another friend. What can I say? Yeah I know, I hate her too, except she’s my friend.Is it ridiculous that most weekends I would rather stay at home and shave my legs then watch a movie with my father than go out and be with friends?

This problem also translates over into my love life. It’s not like I have a thousand boys running around trying to win my affection. I would hate that. It’s just that I have some perspectives and two days in a weekend is not enough time to test the waters with them WHILE seeing friends and so on and so forth.

One recent evening was as follows. Movie with Sam, Dinner with Devan, Rockband at Ellie’s with Keenan, “Party” (eventful gathering is more like it) at Taylor’s, Back to Devan’s, Back to Taylor’s and then (finally) back to Ellie’s for the night. I was a mess the next day after only getting THREE hours of sleep. And I honestly didn’t have much fun because I was always planning my next step, wherever I was headed.

My dream is to one day have a party and invite ALL of my friends where they would all have a lovely time watching Spongebob and eating cheese puffs with me then go home at 11. I would be safely in dreamland by 11:30. When that day comes, I swear I will give all my money to the ASPCA.

In other news: nose piercing!

Photography 2

More, more, more.

Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again

My head is less poundy now that I have special cough syrup to chug, but I swear, I think it’ll explode if I have to watch one more episode of America’s Next Top Model or Law and Order: SVU. I went to a party (a gay party, more on that another time) on Saturday night, which was a total bad idea. Sunday morning roles around and at 8:30 when I’m supposed to be waking up for church I’m still laying in bed, snoring. I went with my sister and my dad to see Coraline, which was a terrific movie, but a stupid move considering I had a fever. I have been hacking up a lung for the past two days and it’s finally going away just in time for me to board a plane with Grace and fly to Florida. I feel so guilty, I will only attend one day of school this week, Wednesday, and it’s a drop five/six with are my only two classes. The rest is gym, cadet, late arrival, and newspaper.

My Janis Joplin project is coming along well, it’s due Thursday so I’ll have to have my mom turn it in because I know I won’t be done until the last second tomorrow night. As for my 5 page AP Lit essay on Wuthering Heights due Tuesday? Yeah, I have about one sentence.

p.s. it’s a Bob Dylan song that I’m especially fond of.

I don’t get the joke

My sister is a freshman. It takes a lot just to admit that we’re related, much less actually have a gym class with her, but I am surviving. It just when she whips out her freshman humor I am really put over the edge. Now, I don’t know if this is specific to her and her friends or is a wild epidemic throughout all high school freshman, but they think they have mastered the art of humor. But it’s not humor they have mastered, it’s randomness. Everyday I am awoken by her best friend romping into our shared room and chattering about who knows what. Today it was Newton’s First Lawn of Motion. Yesterday it was metallic jellybeans. Tomorrow it will probably be ice cream flavored underwear. My sister’s side of the room is smothered in pictures drawn by her buddies. They depict a violent ghetto shooting under the skittles rainbow, politically incorrect accusations of race, a listing of different kinds of consumable meat products with arrows pointing to non correlating images. Who in the world told these children that greeting your friend with ‘Guten tag, you are my child, smell my armpits’ is uproariously funny? After living with it for so long I sometimes find myself saying two of my sister’s favorites: cheese or pickles at various intervals. I suggest these troubled teens have an intervention with Ellen DeGeneres and Lewis Black, giving them a chance to cleanse this ever growing epidemic that started with inside jokes and has lead to mass hysteria. Please, stop the random, start the funny.

The boy who would be a friend

It has been a strange set of days in the Corinne world. I’ve encountered a lot of skepticism, inconsideration and blind philistinism in the past week. I feel like there are so many intricacies in trying to maintain a healthy high school friendship, more than any passerby could ever gather from one glance. A certain sect of high school friendships, I have found, are the boy-girl friendships. High sexual tension reigns over the majority of high school students, it becomes almost a manic push to deny any feelings, what-so-ever, even friendship. And bringing ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends into the matter adds a whole new level of complications. Blatantly, I’ll state I am trapped in a sort of “love triangle” (if you could even call it that) being friends with a boy and fairly close acquaintances with his ex-girlfriend. I find myself thanking god daily for the quickening arrival of my departure to Chicago and Elmhurst, but I know it shouldn’t be like this. Being friends with a boy shouldn’t be a crime, especially if that boy is single, but even when he is in a relationship. Not every girl is a two cent gutter slut looking to ’steal yo man’. It has been quite a hassle and has made me reconsider my whole friendship with said boy, which I think is incredible sad. The fact I must judge if the flack from some people outweighs my friendship with him (and vice-versa) is a depressing outlook, but very real. Unfortunately, each situation is its own and no one can direct me in this matter. I will have to muddle through then bequeath all my gained knowledge to my younger sister. All I can do is hope she will face these situations with more poise than I, perhaps saving her from as much annoyance and trouble as possible. All I can do is wait and see what happens from here!

Trying to earn a living

In one of my many brainstorms with Higgy we stumbled upon the idea of concert photography. We both enjoy and know something about photography and who doesn’t love concerts? It’s a bit of a stretch but we might just be able to convince some local bands to let us photograph them in action. It would a fun way to make a little extra cash for my great spring break excursion to the Grand Canyon. Or maybe a lot of extra cash.

Photography

I dabble in photography when I get the chance. Here are a couple of my favorites!

I’ll Fly Away

Trapped Water and Light

Woods